Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconeveresshiawind: More from EveresshiaWind


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
August 3, 2012
File Size
1.6 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
147
Favourites
1 (who?)
Comments
13

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
"Why do you love me?"

Days had passed before I found the courage to ask such a bold question. His eyes carved me over as I turned in embarrassment. His cheeks would twist with that crooked grin, and he spoke words, such resonant sounds, I thought I'd never hear.

"The first time I met you--the first time I saw you--I wasn't entirely sure what I thought."

My head bowed as I glanced out a dirty window. "You didn't have an opinion? You didn't have a train of thought?" Overlooking the river, the breaks of the surface due to protruding rocks mesmerized me, but they proved not distracting enough to keep my thoughts off of Ray.

He moved around the room, and folded the blankets we had slept upon for the past couple of days. "I wouldn't say I thought nothing. Have you ever felt as if the air was sucked from your very lungs, and you were dying for breath due to the absence of a loved one?"

My eyes fell to complete my bland expression, knowing the thought of blankness and maybe even a bit of betrayal. Betrayal from who? From that single loved one, or maybe even our creator who I thought little of.

"I know of it."

My eyes remained black.

"It was that same feeling, but," he trailed off. "Occurred backwards."

A bit confused, "You felt as if I sucked the air from you?" I directed.

"Yes."

My estranged expression pushed him further.

"As if I had loved you for a very long time. The void was filled."
romance/fantasy/everyone

This is just a snippet from my latest chapter. I've changed quite a few things up about my style, and I'm currently revising them all to adjust. I wanted to hear some thoughts, if any, on this particular part. I know it might be a bit confusing since you don't know what's really going on, but it the flow working well? Does it seem like I'm missing something? Keep in mind, please, that this is very near the end of my novel, so it may seem a bit obscure. Would you agree that I should use a bit of obscurity near the end? Or continue very directly?

Thanks for viewing. :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconclustereff:
ClusterEff Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
I really like your opening line here. Pulled me right in.
Reply
:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't share this piece very often since its from a chapter near the end. But thank you for reading and the comment. :) Yes, I try to give powerful openings. They don't always work, but I think it has here. Lol
Reply
:iconclustereff:
ClusterEff Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
definitely :-)
Reply
:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconsubjugatedsandwich:
SubjugatedSandwich Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Personally, I think this is spectacular aside from whatever story it may be attached to. It isn't a lot of writing but in what I have read the interaction between the two characters is an intriguing topic and one related in a very engaging way. It exposed unseen depths in both characters that I would very much like to explore.
Reply
:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. :) (No idea if you read the description,) but this is nearly the end of my first novel, but no where near the end of my story. I'd like to think they have a powerful relationship myself, and like you, I'm still exploring them.

No idea if this will ever hit the shelves one day, but regardless, I thank you again for your encouragement! :) It really makes me feel like I'm heading in the right direction instead of running turning around on dead ends.
Reply
:iconvshaw:
VShaw Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
Do I think it's missing something? Yes! The rest of the novel. I can't help but read this and want to know more. I appreciate your way with words; beautiful, but not too flowery that it is distracting/jarring the pace of the exchange.

I haven't read your other work, and know nothing of your novel, but as a reader, I find it to be a very engaging scene. There's a lot to read into without there being a lot of actual words. Does that make sense? I like that. I get the idea that you've spent a great deal of time working out the mechanics of your work.

I also like the idea of a bit of obscurity - personally, it makes me want to read more. But, I'd have to know more about the novel to have a more valid opinion.

Good work, nice little extract. :)


V.
Reply
:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
But if you enjoyed this, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my first chapter. :)

[link]

Only if you feel like doing so. I never finished revising it. I might, if time is good to me, eventually finish the first chapter just so I can get better advice. If I should really throw it out or not.

But, like I said before, thank you. :)
Reply
:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, thank you very much. This is actually a scene near the end of my first novel. I'm not entirely sure if I care to finish it or not. There seems to be too many complaints for the obscurity in my writing. **shrugs** Your encouraging opinion definitely makes me feel better about it though--as if I had not wasted my time with it in the past. :)

BIG BIG BIG THANK YOU! :)
Reply
:iconvshaw:
VShaw Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012
Seriously, I'm a fan of obscurity - I like reading between the lines, trying to work out the motives of the characters. Although, from a writer's standpoint, I guess it can be tricky - I know I can get a bit concerned if I'm being too obscure. Saying that, the opposite is also true and I wonder if I'm being too obvious...

I guess it's a bit of a balancing act sometimes.

You're very welcome. I thought it was a good piece of work, and defo worth continuing with.
Reply
Add a Comment: