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August 23, 2012
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Wind

Chapter One: "The Climb"

What thought to be a beginning became the initiation for an ending.

Time diminished as the gold and orange orbs steadily passed one another in a cloudless sky. The beams rested hot against my deep skin, and the grain shredded against my fast-paced legs. My eyes twitched for concentration. Even such extremities that my fragile body grew unaccustomed to couldn't force a return to my Kanna.

Workers sweated in preparation for the Suns Festival. My sister spoke about it at several points in our recent history, but at only five years old, she still claimed the experience memorable. The event could have only heightened my anxiety, therefore, my intentions of attending the underrated celebration shrunk to a minimal. As a result, slaving away in such conditions made little sense to me.

My arms knotted beneath my nearly flat chest as I hurried past the peering eyes. Most of them paused in question--puzzled looks upon their red faces, but others, though very few, ignored my presence.

In the center of the fields, the village but a blur at my back, stood a colossal tree. It rose far higher than any other, it's heavy branches above it's trunk blanketing the ground flat. It's dark emerald leaves wrapped around it's limbs more dense than wet hay, complicating my journey within it's gloomy atmosphere.

My climb began, a difficult one that proved my infinite desire to discover, from a single rough limb to the next. It's bark scrapped against my frail palms as my back twisted in the three dimensional labyrinth. Reaching the crest of the tree quickly became a challenge, but once there would I be able to fulfill my goal.

My body struggled for balance as I straddled a high limb. My arms cut through the leaves, and my eyes squinted upon the bright image of the world I stood above. The hills bumped on until they shrunk at the horizon, the forest line heavily over-lapping. The trees and random wild bushes spotted against the glint like the speckled patterns of a wild leopard. The tops of the trees stretched and streamed like a tattered rock covered in moss. But beneath me lied nothing but dots of human life.

The leaves clashed together, and the silent ambience took my mind in peace.

My shoulder rose in a pending stretch, and my jaw unfolded, only for another tense moment to come.

"Ayva…"

Violent chills corroded my skin to an irregular smoothness.

"Ayva?" the resonance of his voice more fascinating than I remembered. "Are you here?" Even his heavy boots crunching against the earth could not drown the embarrassment within his speech.

My thin arms tightened around my knees in a fetal position. His footsteps continued out of rhythm with the thud in my chest. If it screamed that hollow scream any louder my presence would have been given away.

A tickling to the back of my hand alarmed me. An insect might have caught me off guard; but as the wind began to stir, the strings of twinkling lights beamed through the ruffled environment. With but a few glances did I notice a strange bead of water. The droplet clung to my skin like glue, and within the further moments, it grew larger.

My arm swung in a blur like a crooked propeller on a windmill. Though the attempt for freedom from the insignificant water droplet became a success, my secrecy failed with one fatal mistake.

My shoe--nothing more than a ragged slipper--found it's leave once it's strap snagged a stray sapling protruding from the branch.

The air struck my tiny toes.

My slanted neck grew hot.

And behind my gasp, my breath lifelessly throbbed.

The thuds muffled the silence with only three strikes. Following it's out-of-tempo tumble, I whispered a silent prayer between my trembling lips: "Please God, don't let him see--"

His heavy boots cut me off. The crunches came and went in the same subtle pattern, but the wall of branches separating me from him blinded me from predicting any further actions.

"I have finally found you!" A shrill voice broke the tension within the mute moment. The liquids within my gut churned.

Ray's hesitance to respond let me to many assumptions, but again, I could only determine actions through speech.

"What is that in your hand?" her voice became shrill.

My brow rose with such a possibility: did he pick up my shoe?

The shuffling in the leaves came. "You care to have a look?"

"NO!" she responded quickly and rudely. "I'd never touch a commoners shoe. It's disrespectful that you would even ask me such a thing."

I winced at a small clash among the brush. Ray either threw the shoe to the ground, or Dyllynn slapped it from his grasp.

The tone in his voice became strict: "Dyllynn, I told you not to bother me while I'm at work. You know I'll get in penalized for it."

With clenched eyes, the conversation continued rather painfully. "Hmm, well, you certainly don't appear to be working. You should have left work hours ago. And as a matter of fact, has it ever been an issue in the past when I've come to see you?!"

"I've been penalized a weeks worth of coins--"

She shushed him. "Aye, but that was because your sister wouldn't leave you alone. You know she is basically banned from every Kanna in the village as it is."

Suddenly did I find this conversation morbidly entertaining. A dash of sickening manipulation became my single and utmost reason for nosing.
Okay, most of you are probably getting aggravated with this story, lol. But I'm really passionate about it, but I've got to get my writing right. Does this seem like a decent opening? I'm thinking about writing the entire series, which was once novels, as a screenplay. There's not much dialogue here in the beginning. It works up right from where I cut off.

Anyways, I'd like to hear some thoughts? Thanks for viewing.
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Jan 18, 2013  Student Writer
Hey Christopher...I'm really sorry, but I was REALLY confused in this piece. I felt like characters were suddenly appearing, and the lack of description and reasoning really struck a nerve with me. I felt lost, and I didn't know if it was even Avya narrating or what. I didn't know who anybody was and why Avya was climbing the tree and just...maybe it's just me? Not to be rude, but I don't think this is your best piece by a long shot. :S Sorry.

(And just a couple of spelling and grammatical errors, but they're easy enough to fix.)
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:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I forget to mention in the reply to your critique that I have an editor, but I'm waiting to finish my revisions before I give it to her. (I actually have two editors who will be performing separate tasks throughout the process.) But I thank you for offering. :)
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Jan 18, 2013  Student Writer
Oh yeah, I forgot about that...I read it somewhere while stalking you :P One to fix the grammar stuff and the other to help with the storyline. I would absolutely love to help in any way I can!
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:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You already have! What you read are my last revisions I've made. Everything after that, give or take, is about ten times worst. I have A LOT of revising to do, and I really wish I would have sought more advice from people like you before I began this final draft. I won't be changing much at all in this story from here on out except maybe how I choose to open it.

I'll be gutting this and sowing it back up within the next few weeks, and if you find the time, look for it and I's love to hear any more thoughts.

Back to the original train of thought, my grammar is terrible, but I'm working at it. I've had several people here correct it, even though I've asked for it not to be at the current point in time. (I still read through it and analyze them though.)

This isn't much of an excuse with my easy access to the Internet, but I live in this god forsaken area of the United States that focuses on American history and Guns. Everyone around me could give less for a good novel. LOL. So I'm lacking this literature advice that I really need.
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Jan 18, 2013  Student Writer
I'll be sure to keep an eye out on how this goes :) And it's understandable about the grammar and spelling. Don't stress. That's what your editor is for!! All the best :hug:
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:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is another one of those chapters that I thought would be easier said that done. Ayva is looking for Ray, but obviously doesn't find him. She listens on a conversation that Ray and his girlfriend have at the base of the tree.
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Jan 18, 2013  Student Writer
Oh, right. That makes so much sense now! Sorry...maybe I'm just a bit thick tonight. Even though I don't live in the city (Sydney, that is), it was the hottest day there in recorded history, and it was even hotter where I live (about 46.5C, which is roughly 116F), so maybe it's the heat getting to me :S
I think you need to not be afraid to say directly what is going on. (I don't know if you are, it just seems that way to me.) A little cryptic is good, but too much and you lose readers like me. The beginning especially strikes out at me: something about golden and orange orbs floating through the sky or something. I had no idea they were suns and was wondering about their relevance...I thought maybe it was magic or something floating in front of her, or maybe she was poetically describing a harvesting of oranges and lemons. I know it sounds stupid, but that's actually what I thought! And I felt a bit lost in the environment...if you do happen to rewrite this chapter (not just because of me!), I'd love to try again :S
/end rant.
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:iconeveresshiawind:
EveresshiaWind Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've realized with this chapter that I have a lot going on, and a little more to explain. (Although, I think I only have half of it uploaded here, and if you still seemed confused and uninterested, I need a different approach.) I think being more direct will help a lot in this chapter.
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Jan 19, 2013  Student Writer
Directness! It's already cryptic enough: in a world we don't understand...too much unknown just makes us readers confused and disheartened. We will most definitely not bother persevering. But, because it's you, and you're cool, I want to help you so that people WANT to persevere. So put a limit on the unfamiliar. At least until we're more involved in the story, and CARE enough to persevere. Hope that helps :)
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:iconaustori:
Austori Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is really beautiful writing. I'll wait for more, i understand if it will take a long time, but keep up the awesome work!
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